As your life changes, so will your circle... and what a ride my life's been! Here you'll find a collection of some of my life experiences, as well as my random ramblings & some things I just find interesting... in no particular order.
Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/
Open Letter to my Monster:
I told you that you couldn't break me. I resisted your every cruel attempt of trying to "mold me into the ideal woman". You see, you taught me such valuable lessons. Not the lesson you were hoping for, though. What I did learn: Monsters are real. I learned that bruises heal much more quickly than emotional scars, because after all, you were an absolute pro at both. I learned that people like you can't feel good about themselves unless they're tearing others down. I learned that I'm much stronger than I could have possibly ever imagined. I learned that I'm a survivor. I learned that people like you need to have someone be the anchor in their life. while people like me manage just fine on our own. I learned that misery loves company. I learned that promises of "I'll never hurt you again" are hollow words echoing back time after time after time. I learned that forgiving you brought healing to my soul, even though you never genuinely apologized. I learned that there truly is a fine line between love and hate, and my feeling of total indifference toward you is an amazingly freeing feeling! So, you see.. you only managed to slightly bend me for a time, not break me. You were unable to rob me of my laughter and my joy. I will always choose happiness over bitterness... Always. Escaping you was the best decision I have ever made. I'm writing this with the hope that it will purge any shred of negative feelings left inside of me, the hope that the nightmares will totally subside, and with the hope that you'll read this someday. I want you to know that I forgive you. - Kathy
Update 11/20/2017: A simple google search revealed that my monster is no longer among the living."Wow, why didn't I do this sooner!?" I thought today, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but it was simply an irrational fear of an otherwise rational woman. Fear that I thought he might "catch" me "checking up" on him. Fear that he might think that I would want to "rekindle" a relationship. Fear that I would not survive another attack... Simply fear of a monster who had more control over my life up until this very day than I ever realized. How many life choices have I made based on my fear of meeting someone else like him? How many amazing people did I shut out of my life because I was unable to trust anyone? But then again, my experiences with him taught me to trust my gut feeling. I always had a really bad feeling about him. But honestly, I couldn't free myself from him. There were no anti-stalking laws then, and he was obsessed with me. Domestic violence wasn't taken as seriously then. A black eye, broken ribs, a blow to the back that resulted in a rib detaching from my spine, a concussion, an "accidental fall" on concrete with a force so great that it resulted in a broken tail bone, bleeding from my ears, and spinal fluid dripping from my nose... and I will never forget him replacing the fluid in my douche bottle with bleach... So many ER trips... but in a small town where my monster grew up with the town's police officers always resulted in a mere slap on the wrist, or a few nights in jail which did nothing more than piss my monster off, and I always suffered much worse consequences afterwards...such a cruel and vicious seemingly endless cycle! But I refused to give up or give in. My girls deserved so much more, and so did I. I moved two states away and he found me. I moved back to my home state in a different area, and he found me. I moved again and he found me... again and again... It was hell on earth for my daughters and myself. Having to change schools, leave their friends, make new friends again and again was so unfair for my innocent children. I felt tremendous guilt over being unable to give them the safety and stability that all children deserve, because of my monster's claim on all our lives. The world is a different place now. The laws are tougher, so If you are in an abusive relationship, use the new laws, and the many resources available today to your advantage. ALWAYS trust your gut. Escape your own personal hell , and NEVER look back! I'm a very private person, and hate to share details of my life with the exception of very few , but I felt compelled to share my story to inspire women who are now living my past. You matter. You are loved. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel safe. There are good people in the world. Please seek help and It will get better. Never give up!
And whenever you start thinking:
Put those thoughts out of your mind, and replace them with...
Keep holding on. Stand on God's promises! Trust and believe. He will carry you through... He did it for me, and He can do it for you. After all these years, I'm still emotionally unable to share the most terrifying part of my story, But. I want you to know that on that day, God sent an invisible force that literally pulled my monster off the top of me and hurled him onto the floor during that worst, and final attack. My monster was so shocked, that it allowed me to run out of my house and to my neighbors to safety, and escape. God was my way-maker, and He can be yours too!
You have probably been through more than anyone will ever know, and have things you may never feel comfortable talking about to anyone. God is right there with you. Ask Him to carry that burden. After all, He knows our every thought and He's waiting to hear from you. That will begin your healing process. It won't happen overnight, but you've got this, Sister... you're a survivor!
Evil Runs Deep in Some Families... Well, in My Monster's Family, Anyway. Copy and paste the links to see the proof: